Switching Horses: The Grey Albatross Lands at Last

Some of you may have noticed, but most of you wouldn't have-- I am switching my blogging back to my original blog address: alliedearest.blogspot.com. If you are kind enough to link to me on your pages, please change my address to the old one All These Things. There's not much there now because it's a blank slate, so to speak. But look outside: most of the landscape is just as plain at the moment.

Now as for this blog...this blog is as gloomy as its name. A grey albatross, at times hovering over the water, at times pushing through heavy winds--but always unable to find a place to land...always driving on, searching for its faraway destination.

The great church thinker, Augustine, recounts a story about a woman he had a sexual fling with for some time before he embraced the faith. His transformation from a man who was always in need of female attention and companionship to a man who had need of nothing but the immediate, overflowing love of Jesus Christ--is humorously shown in an interaction he had with this woman after his conversion.

She apparently saw him and attempted to engage him in a fling, as she would normally do and as he would normally do with women. But he said hello and passed by with decency but without assenting to her.

Thinking that maybe he didn't recognize her, she called to him and said, "Hey, it's me!"

He turned back around and looked at her and said, "I know. But it's not me."

And so I think the Grey Albatross has finally landed for the season. I reserve the right to use whatever tools I have at my disposal to seek and to search myself and the world around me, of course. So don't get too comfortable with one change or another.

As my dear friend Jenn repeatedly told me, "It's just a tool."

Hoping that like me, you are feeling comfortable and willing to pass by anything that's just "not you" anymore. Your identity, which might otherwise be set in stone, is being reformed and reshaped by Christ. Perfected, as it were. Let that knowledge guide us all.

Than A Thousand Elsewhere

Ultimately, to really find yourself saying in the middle of an afternoon:

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere

is when you know you're less than a mile from home.

Vacillating Minds

‘But the new rebel is a skeptic, and will not entirely trust anything. He has no loyalty; therefore he can never be really a revolutionist. And the fact that he doubts everything really gets in his way when he wants to denounce anything.'

-G.K. Chesterton

Rainy Morning

The rain has soaked the earth. Through the drops that cling to our kitchen window, this drenched village lays uncovered, waiting. The sounds of the rain are soft this morning. No wind can be heard; no belligerent pounding of hard fists of water on the roof. This is a sleepy, blanket rain that is soft and reminds me of a bath mat with little suckers being pulled up from the porcelain again and again, in some distant bathroom in the sky.

I curled up to read last night before going to sleep and after such a great dinner I found myself longing to be near in spirit to God. This is what I have been praying for--to be hungry to taste from God's table something far richer and fuller than any restaurant can offer. To feel compelled to hold fast to the Lord my God. Yet feeling that longing only made me further say, "Lord, turn my heart to desire more of You. Keep me close to You."

Risk, Act

Risk! Risk anything!
Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices.
Do the hardest thing on earth for you.
Act for yourself.
Face the truth.

-Katherine Mansfield

There is such an amazing world out there.
There are things I haven't seen yet that will fill my heart with light.
There are people I should not trust out there.
There are foods that one day I will eat again that will amaze my taste buds.
There is love.
There are celebrations.
There are deaths.

But risk it all.
Take it all in.

Day 2, Somewhere Off in the Distance the Birds Fly

So yesterday was the first day of this fast thing.

Things I wouldn't do if I were you, on the first day of a fast:

1. I wouldn't wait until mid-day to buy the appropriate foods to eat so that when you finally do manage to snake into Trader Joe's at 2PM, you almost convince yourself to buy a sausage-looking plastic full of "polenta," and then almost buy the entire aisle of dried fruits.

2. I wouldn't go the entire day without reading the Bible. That's the whole point, you numbskull!

Speaking of that last one. The reason I didn't read the Bible is that I was consumed with my desire for coffee and sugar. Literally having a war inside my head about why I had to have coffee and why I cannot stop eating cupcakes and chocolate bars.

Really? I mean, really?

Yes.

So instead of having a peaceful, meditative time with God...I just sat in my car, fuming about why I was giving up coffee and cupcakes and chocolate bars.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Today I woke up and made what could best be called a bland breakfast and then sat in the sunlight reading. Truth be told, today is nothing like yesterday and I haven't had a headache or anything weird. I do notice that I'm eating way more food than normal and I never feel full. I mentioned that to a pastor in the office and he said that was the point of the fast. Oh, yeah.

Jenn said in a very soft plain voice: This light affliction is but for a moment, quoting from 2 Corinthians 4:17, which made me laugh in spite of myself. That's good to keep in mind.

One of the benefits of fasting that I have already seen is a mental clarity about the future and about my goals. Let's remember that I will start applying to grad school in about nine months. I want to really see the big picture of what God is bringing about in my life through school, and I don't want to be distracted by silly, trivial things anymore.

Day 2 in effect y'all. If I can make it through the third day without running out and holding up the cupcake shop...I think this will be a great thing.

A Danielle Fast

As part of this cleansing new year, I will start a fast tomorrow. I'm going to do what is called a "Daniel Fast" in evangelical circles. There are a few reasons why I'm doing this. First, I know that I've had some really bad attitudes and habits over the past couple of years and even though I noticed them, I didn't stop them from developing. Fasting breaks the hold that bad habits have over us. The stomach is an unholy master, if you're not careful.

Second, I tend to reach for bad things when I'm emotionally low. And then after having grabbed something bad, I feel even lower. So the cycle continues. I want God to intervene in this cycle starting now. If I'm having an emotional day, I want to reach deeper than the Hostess shelf to satisfy it.

Third, this year has already been an eye-opening and revealing time for me and I'm deeply troubled by how culturally relevant I've let my faith become. I want my decisions and my hopes to rest with God; when my trust hits rock bottom, I want to look around and still find myself wrapped in His love for me. {This could get very mystical sounding if I don't word it well, I know} So this is me setting myself apart {once again} to live a life separate to God. Not to be one of those cool, sophisticated Christians we all have wanted to be at one point or another. To be with God and to know God. To live for Him and with Him and in His presence. This fast is in part my denial of the delicacies that this world offers me in order to taste God's delicacies instead. I hope His delicacies come in cupcake and pizza flavor, that's all I can say.

What this means for a vegetarian--or what it means specifically for my diet is that I give up my pizza, grilled cheese, eggs, animal crackers, flaxseed crackers, pretzels and ... sugar of every variety. Also...coffee. What a scandal.

You'll see as the days go along how excited or terrorized I become by this decision. Pray for me, regardless of your rank on the skepticism scale. If you're feeling a kinship with some of my reasons for doing this, by all means, read up on fasting or talk to your priest or pastor about some disciplines you can incorporate into your routine to set your life apart for God and grow closer in His love this new year.

Let the journey begin...