Rain.
Cold and inhibiting rain. The beginning of the end of warm days, dresses and lounging around. The beginning of the long, cold fight to stay warm, happy and energetic.
My life this fall is a beginning. The beginning of new ambitions. Never grow tired of new beginnings; they keep you young and alive.
The cold is barely tolerable, but I'm sure I can dredge up another countdown to Spring somewhere around here...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Ants are crawling on my coffee cup. Around the bottom, climbing at angles. A bee was hovering above me for a little while, but I didn't move because it seemed to be to slow to cause harm.
I have a tank top on under a thermo-turtleneck under a rabbit-hair cardigan under a cotton trench coat. With a grey pashmina stuffed on top. I'm propped against a wall on the cement by the Thompson building, soaking up the very mild sunlight before my next class. I ate a bagel. I'm not smiling.
My eyes are dry and my happiness has been deactivated for the day. The three month mark since my Dad's passing is upon me. His absence, like the bee-- hovers so silently and so closely that I have become desensitized to its presence. To the presence of an absence.
It exists and I exist and separately, almost, we make our way along the path.
And then -KSH!- a sting.
The only things that fill this void are love and loneliness. Connectedness that aches with still recent memories; isolation that affirms the reality of this absence.
Any feeling that acknowledges that Yes, he lived , and Yes, it was me that lived connected to him.
Almost everything else ignores loss. But loneliness, even just a moment of it--and love, just a small experience of it--affirm again the friendship, the love and the loss that I know underneath all my daily experiences.
I have a tank top on under a thermo-turtleneck under a rabbit-hair cardigan under a cotton trench coat. With a grey pashmina stuffed on top. I'm propped against a wall on the cement by the Thompson building, soaking up the very mild sunlight before my next class. I ate a bagel. I'm not smiling.
My eyes are dry and my happiness has been deactivated for the day. The three month mark since my Dad's passing is upon me. His absence, like the bee-- hovers so silently and so closely that I have become desensitized to its presence. To the presence of an absence.
It exists and I exist and separately, almost, we make our way along the path.
And then -KSH!- a sting.
The only things that fill this void are love and loneliness. Connectedness that aches with still recent memories; isolation that affirms the reality of this absence.
Any feeling that acknowledges that Yes, he lived , and Yes, it was me that lived connected to him.
Almost everything else ignores loss. But loneliness, even just a moment of it--and love, just a small experience of it--affirm again the friendship, the love and the loss that I know underneath all my daily experiences.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wish You Wouldn't Say Things Like That
When someone goes out of their way to let you know that they approve of something you've changed...
be honest,
don't you kind of wish they would just keep that opinion to themselves.
Like:
Wow, you lost all that weight.
You look so much better!
Really? That's a shame, because I haven't eaten since I got that stomach virus and as soon as these meds kick in...I'll be back to normal.
Wish you wouldn't have said that.
It's good that you're not blogging anymore. I think it's better.
Really? Because ever since you said that I've had writer's block. Can't even fill out a greeting card anymore without second guessing myself.
Wish you wouldn't have said that.
How deliciously limiting the approval of others can be.
They tell us:
I'm here watching you.
I notice every move you make.
You're okay with me now that you've changed.
If you change back, you'll be doing it against my approval.
Next time you want to be the approval/disapproval button in someone's life: just keep it to yourself. They probably don't need another voice in their head.
{There are caveats to this, but my blog, unlike FOX News, doesn't pretend to be either fair or balanced, thankyouverymuch}
be honest,
don't you kind of wish they would just keep that opinion to themselves.
Like:
Wow, you lost all that weight.
You look so much better!
Really? That's a shame, because I haven't eaten since I got that stomach virus and as soon as these meds kick in...I'll be back to normal.
Wish you wouldn't have said that.
It's good that you're not blogging anymore. I think it's better.
Really? Because ever since you said that I've had writer's block. Can't even fill out a greeting card anymore without second guessing myself.
Wish you wouldn't have said that.
How deliciously limiting the approval of others can be.
They tell us:
I'm here watching you.
I notice every move you make.
You're okay with me now that you've changed.
If you change back, you'll be doing it against my approval.
Next time you want to be the approval/disapproval button in someone's life: just keep it to yourself. They probably don't need another voice in their head.
{There are caveats to this, but my blog, unlike FOX News, doesn't pretend to be either fair or balanced, thankyouverymuch}
I just got my first probabilities test back today. A 90%.
95% is an A
94% and less is a B
Bah.
I should be comforted by the fact that mine was the highest score. Earlier in the week when I was having trouble with a problem, my prof said, Why don't you ask one of the other students for help, they seem to be getting it.
I always make a comeback.
Maybe if I hadn't taken a 7 hour nap yesterday I would have gotten ahead...
95% is an A
94% and less is a B
Bah.
I should be comforted by the fact that mine was the highest score. Earlier in the week when I was having trouble with a problem, my prof said, Why don't you ask one of the other students for help, they seem to be getting it.
I always make a comeback.
Maybe if I hadn't taken a 7 hour nap yesterday I would have gotten ahead...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Debunking Socrates?
The essay due on Monday morning--concerning the role of the individual and government in ancient Greece: to what extent did Socrates' ideas/behavior challenge Pericles' account of the Athenian state and society?
A year ago I had no knowledge of the ancient world. Knowledge can inspire us and challenge us.
Socrates, in Plato's account of his trial, says that a truly just man could never participate in public discourse because he would naturally oppose State practices and eventually be killed for his opinions. Rather grim perspective of the corruption of governing bodies. Instead of participating in the community dialogue, he allowed the young rich men of Athens to follow him around and listen to him ridicule and humiliate the prominent poets, craftsmen and politicians of the day, proving that their basic human motivations weren't logical. The young men ate it up--here were respected men of the city who had worked for years to develop their crafts and cultivate expertise in their fields--and Socrates made them look like confused children.
What a friggin hero.
Naturally, enamored with this wisdom and strength (not virtue), they imitated his obnoxious orthopraxy all around the city, probably creating a whole new class of professionals. Professional irritants. Pulling up wheat and weeds indiscriminantly.
I cannot hide the fact that I think Socrates was a fatalist who, seeing the Golden age of Athens stretched too tightly around him, perhaps felt that the debunking of status quo- whether in regards to piety, justice or freedom--was not only natural but also beneficial. Although it would mean the end of the State as it was and life as he had enjoyed it.
He bites the hand that feeds him, and finally, the hand closes around his neck. What I find a little grotesque is that he did his duty on the surface and then under many guises of curiosity and searching undermined the State that had required the duty and valor of him.
He seemed wise out of context, apart from neglecting the care of his family and hiding his opposotion in circular and sarcastic debunking. A man who really cared about others would have risked himself more. He shows people to be foolish by proving that people often have a very hard time defining the things they feel most passionate about, almost as if to say that you only have the right to feel strongly toward things you perfectly understand and can perfectly define. In every era, it's the things that mystify us that capture our fascination and enrapture our affections. We are slaves to powers we don't particularly understand and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
This essay is going to be hard.
A year ago I had no knowledge of the ancient world. Knowledge can inspire us and challenge us.
Socrates, in Plato's account of his trial, says that a truly just man could never participate in public discourse because he would naturally oppose State practices and eventually be killed for his opinions. Rather grim perspective of the corruption of governing bodies. Instead of participating in the community dialogue, he allowed the young rich men of Athens to follow him around and listen to him ridicule and humiliate the prominent poets, craftsmen and politicians of the day, proving that their basic human motivations weren't logical. The young men ate it up--here were respected men of the city who had worked for years to develop their crafts and cultivate expertise in their fields--and Socrates made them look like confused children.
What a friggin hero.
Naturally, enamored with this wisdom and strength (not virtue), they imitated his obnoxious orthopraxy all around the city, probably creating a whole new class of professionals. Professional irritants. Pulling up wheat and weeds indiscriminantly.
I cannot hide the fact that I think Socrates was a fatalist who, seeing the Golden age of Athens stretched too tightly around him, perhaps felt that the debunking of status quo- whether in regards to piety, justice or freedom--was not only natural but also beneficial. Although it would mean the end of the State as it was and life as he had enjoyed it.
He bites the hand that feeds him, and finally, the hand closes around his neck. What I find a little grotesque is that he did his duty on the surface and then under many guises of curiosity and searching undermined the State that had required the duty and valor of him.
He seemed wise out of context, apart from neglecting the care of his family and hiding his opposotion in circular and sarcastic debunking. A man who really cared about others would have risked himself more. He shows people to be foolish by proving that people often have a very hard time defining the things they feel most passionate about, almost as if to say that you only have the right to feel strongly toward things you perfectly understand and can perfectly define. In every era, it's the things that mystify us that capture our fascination and enrapture our affections. We are slaves to powers we don't particularly understand and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
This essay is going to be hard.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Pericles & The Dark Bat, Envy
"For men can endure to hear others praised only so long as they can persuade themselves of their own ability to equal the actions recounted: when this point is passed, envy comes in and with it incredulity."
-Pericles of Athens, during a funeral speech
I can handle hearing about the awesome things other people are doing if I'm doing those things; if I'm doing awesome things. How hard it is, however, to hear the praises for the person doing things I cannot or would not do.
And not everyone can be an astronaut. Not everyone drove down to the Gulf after Hurricane Katrina to help people put their lives back together. Not everyone loves their family the right way. Some things are out of reach. Because of time and opportunity. Because of ignorance.
And yet, some great acts---some noble gifts--are out of reach simply because we lack self-discipline. Because we haven't believed our contribution was important to anyone, or that it could be important to us. We don't do the really difficult, great things because there aren't incentives to doing them, and because we act in our own short-sighted interest 99% of our waking hours.
However, I'd wager that the most wonderful thing you'll ever do in your life won't seem courageous or glorious while you're doing it. You'll probably be forgoing other, better options to do it.
That's what makes the choice to do it so glorious.
Where did this start and where did it go and where will it end? Perhaps the difficulty of envy is that it afflicts the one who understands the glory of a good life but just can't convince himself to pay what it costs. It's hard to rejoice when someone else is doing what you should be doing. It would be a curious moment of the soul.
{Back to studying Ancient Greece}
-Pericles of Athens, during a funeral speech
I can handle hearing about the awesome things other people are doing if I'm doing those things; if I'm doing awesome things. How hard it is, however, to hear the praises for the person doing things I cannot or would not do.
And not everyone can be an astronaut. Not everyone drove down to the Gulf after Hurricane Katrina to help people put their lives back together. Not everyone loves their family the right way. Some things are out of reach. Because of time and opportunity. Because of ignorance.
And yet, some great acts---some noble gifts--are out of reach simply because we lack self-discipline. Because we haven't believed our contribution was important to anyone, or that it could be important to us. We don't do the really difficult, great things because there aren't incentives to doing them, and because we act in our own short-sighted interest 99% of our waking hours.
However, I'd wager that the most wonderful thing you'll ever do in your life won't seem courageous or glorious while you're doing it. You'll probably be forgoing other, better options to do it.
That's what makes the choice to do it so glorious.
Where did this start and where did it go and where will it end? Perhaps the difficulty of envy is that it afflicts the one who understands the glory of a good life but just can't convince himself to pay what it costs. It's hard to rejoice when someone else is doing what you should be doing. It would be a curious moment of the soul.
{Back to studying Ancient Greece}
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