Yarn It!

I flooded Brittley with too much. Poor girl.
I talk too much, in general. I must slow down a little. Lately my brain is like a tangled yarn ball. I wonder if everyone that I talk to thinks I'm crazy....

Today was brilliant, otherwise. Lots of beautiful things and lots of good food and lots of beautiful people with beautiful eyes. You can't have too many of these kinds of days.

Tomorrow is going to be a little harder. Saying goodbye again to Britt and saying hello to the ancient civilization midterm studying.

Erg.

Chicago / Atlanta / Dad

I've been meaning to visit Toby and Kelli in Atlanta for a long time. Now AJ lives there, too. One more reason to get in my car and drive the four hours down. {Although I never take Happy that far}

A Chicago song came on the radio during yesterday's drive to Nashville, and it totally reminded me of Karaoke with AJ and Wes. I naturally thought about traveling down to Atlanta--and then immediately thought of my Dad.

Atlanta has a dark side for me right now, that I only just realized yesterday. As soon as I heard the song, thought of AJ & Wes, thought of visiting all my Atlanta friends...I was flooded with all of the wonderful times with my Dad that I had in Atlanta.

I've never been to Atlanta without my Dad there, without spending time at the perfect home they shared together. Those are the most wonderful memories I have with him--really the beginning of the golden age of our friendship. The city is my Dad's city because of it, and it hurts me to feel that way.

Stars

I'm riding in the back of an SUV, headed for pizza at Mafiaoza's. This is Fall Break.

I had a good moment at Starbucks earlier; magic is in the air.

Look at the stars--can you even number them? Anything is possible.

A Moment of Liberation

Entering the mysterious unwatched world in a moment, where you can say anything because nobody is listening and it doesn't matter...


*************************************************************

I am balancing on edges at all times.
Or, if you're into stabilizers and orbits, I might be balancing on vertices or faces.

It's exhilarating.
It's scary.
It's promising and full of possibilities.

I could lose everything.
Why did I make this leap?
Tomorrow, everything could change in a heartbeat.

I'm balancing on a tiny pivot point called "right now." And I'm not that great at it. I'm good at balancing some things. But the miscellaneous other things are not as easy as they used to be.

The balance tips toward "losing big" all the time.
{Not like I freak out about it/just watch with measured suspicion}

I could lose everything.
If I don't get a hold on this....

This...this...
If I don't get a handle on this....

class {how much reading?}
lecture {snooze}
algebra concept {a rotation times a horizontal flip is a rotation?}
essay {the civilization web spread}
workout {no, I haven't pushed in awhile}
sugar fix {donuts? cupcakes?}
man {yes, I'm thinking about you}

If I could lose big at any moment, one assumes that one minus the probability of losing big is the probability of winning.

That's why I love math.
Because, by definition, there is some probability out there somewhere that I might win big.

*****************************************************************

End the liberated zone.

Happy & Stressed Out

uninspired

pragmatic

docile

hydrated

tired

overfilled

challenged

burgeoning

confused

joyful

relieved

hopeful

amused

excited

grateful

uncertain

There are so many ways to describe me right now. All of them true, to a degree. We are more than just the sum of our parts, thank God. Because I have all these feelings and inverses of feelings, one right after another. If they cancelled each other out, what would my life sum up to?

Nothing cancels. Everything blends and bursts and splashes. Colors everywhere.

Feelings everywhere. Like pieces of paper that I lay down and never look at again.

I'm happy today.
And stressed out.

Both and.

Inexhaustible Possibilities

Rain.

Cold and inhibiting rain. The beginning of the end of warm days, dresses and lounging around. The beginning of the long, cold fight to stay warm, happy and energetic.

My life this fall is a beginning. The beginning of new ambitions. Never grow tired of new beginnings; they keep you young and alive.

The cold is barely tolerable, but I'm sure I can dredge up another countdown to Spring somewhere around here...

Ants are crawling on my coffee cup. Around the bottom, climbing at angles. A bee was hovering above me for a little while, but I didn't move because it seemed to be to slow to cause harm.

I have a tank top on under a thermo-turtleneck under a rabbit-hair cardigan under a cotton trench coat. With a grey pashmina stuffed on top. I'm propped against a wall on the cement by the Thompson building, soaking up the very mild sunlight before my next class. I ate a bagel. I'm not smiling.

My eyes are dry and my happiness has been deactivated for the day. The three month mark since my Dad's passing is upon me. His absence, like the bee-- hovers so silently and so closely that I have become desensitized to its presence. To the presence of an absence.

It exists and I exist and separately, almost, we make our way along the path.

And then -KSH!- a sting.

The only things that fill this void are love and loneliness. Connectedness that aches with still recent memories; isolation that affirms the reality of this absence.

Any feeling that acknowledges that Yes, he lived , and Yes, it was me that lived connected to him.

Almost everything else ignores loss. But loneliness, even just a moment of it--and love, just a small experience of it--affirm again the friendship, the love and the loss that I know underneath all my daily experiences.