Reminders

Fall. The end of things. The beginning of things.

Saw Sarah and Todd tonight at FIDO (and Greg, Jenna, Graham, Cory, Matt and Saban). They reminded me about why I do what I do the way I do it. For myself and not for others. We together remembered a time when this city felt alive and full of creative energy.

I'm alive.

Why is that so hard to remember from moment to moment. I don't need to pysche myself out or anything. Just have to be open to experiencing every moment for the first time.

Dreaming

It's difficult to focus. Difficult to keep my concentration.

The most interesting thing I do week to week is work on the development of my quadriceps. I don't know why quads--why legs muscles--why muscles at all.

I'm part of a transitional group; we're reinventing the wheel. Nothing avant-garde, nothing heroic. We're playing musical chairs with our jobs, our cities, our love. We love our music and we love to feel alive. We can't sit down.

I loved this weekend. I loved new faces and old faces, and the feeling that I'm still on the cusp of something. I met a man who had such a beautiful face that I couldn't look away and hours later I felt like I dreamed the whole thing. This weekend felt like a dream, like a foray into a golden make-believe time for all of us. A time before we all split apart, a time when I listened more than I talked.

The hours wind down. I'm sprawled out across the carpet, legs twisted around each other, stuffed with macaroni and cheese, wishing the dream could last a little longer.

Yarn It!

I flooded Brittley with too much. Poor girl.
I talk too much, in general. I must slow down a little. Lately my brain is like a tangled yarn ball. I wonder if everyone that I talk to thinks I'm crazy....

Today was brilliant, otherwise. Lots of beautiful things and lots of good food and lots of beautiful people with beautiful eyes. You can't have too many of these kinds of days.

Tomorrow is going to be a little harder. Saying goodbye again to Britt and saying hello to the ancient civilization midterm studying.

Erg.

Chicago / Atlanta / Dad

I've been meaning to visit Toby and Kelli in Atlanta for a long time. Now AJ lives there, too. One more reason to get in my car and drive the four hours down. {Although I never take Happy that far}

A Chicago song came on the radio during yesterday's drive to Nashville, and it totally reminded me of Karaoke with AJ and Wes. I naturally thought about traveling down to Atlanta--and then immediately thought of my Dad.

Atlanta has a dark side for me right now, that I only just realized yesterday. As soon as I heard the song, thought of AJ & Wes, thought of visiting all my Atlanta friends...I was flooded with all of the wonderful times with my Dad that I had in Atlanta.

I've never been to Atlanta without my Dad there, without spending time at the perfect home they shared together. Those are the most wonderful memories I have with him--really the beginning of the golden age of our friendship. The city is my Dad's city because of it, and it hurts me to feel that way.

Stars

I'm riding in the back of an SUV, headed for pizza at Mafiaoza's. This is Fall Break.

I had a good moment at Starbucks earlier; magic is in the air.

Look at the stars--can you even number them? Anything is possible.

A Moment of Liberation

Entering the mysterious unwatched world in a moment, where you can say anything because nobody is listening and it doesn't matter...


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I am balancing on edges at all times.
Or, if you're into stabilizers and orbits, I might be balancing on vertices or faces.

It's exhilarating.
It's scary.
It's promising and full of possibilities.

I could lose everything.
Why did I make this leap?
Tomorrow, everything could change in a heartbeat.

I'm balancing on a tiny pivot point called "right now." And I'm not that great at it. I'm good at balancing some things. But the miscellaneous other things are not as easy as they used to be.

The balance tips toward "losing big" all the time.
{Not like I freak out about it/just watch with measured suspicion}

I could lose everything.
If I don't get a hold on this....

This...this...
If I don't get a handle on this....

class {how much reading?}
lecture {snooze}
algebra concept {a rotation times a horizontal flip is a rotation?}
essay {the civilization web spread}
workout {no, I haven't pushed in awhile}
sugar fix {donuts? cupcakes?}
man {yes, I'm thinking about you}

If I could lose big at any moment, one assumes that one minus the probability of losing big is the probability of winning.

That's why I love math.
Because, by definition, there is some probability out there somewhere that I might win big.

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End the liberated zone.

Happy & Stressed Out

uninspired

pragmatic

docile

hydrated

tired

overfilled

challenged

burgeoning

confused

joyful

relieved

hopeful

amused

excited

grateful

uncertain

There are so many ways to describe me right now. All of them true, to a degree. We are more than just the sum of our parts, thank God. Because I have all these feelings and inverses of feelings, one right after another. If they cancelled each other out, what would my life sum up to?

Nothing cancels. Everything blends and bursts and splashes. Colors everywhere.

Feelings everywhere. Like pieces of paper that I lay down and never look at again.

I'm happy today.
And stressed out.

Both and.