Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Death & My Gentle Giant

Early Friday morning my dad passed away.
My right hand held his right hand.
My left hand held his face.
Life support was turned off and like a lightning bolt disappears into the dark storm, the man who was my dad vanished.

He loved my blog, the other one that I shut down last month. In one of the last conversations we had, he sheepishly asked why he couldn't read it anymore. It seemed silly to me that he was reading my blog. Now I wish that I had written more for him to read.

The truth is, my dad was is my biggest fan.
From the time I was very small he would take me on drives with him to the bakery or to the grocery store in the San Fernando valley, and he would tell me that there was something very special about me, very unlike other people. He often would tell me that even though I was having trouble fitting in, there would be a day when I came into my own and didn't mind being me.

He called me sweetheart, lambchop, pumpkin -- and over the last two years, he would sign his name in emails to me as "Daddy Dearest" as an homage to my Allie, Dearest nickname.

He always called me during the week while he was at work to tell me how my mom was doing or how he was feeling or how much work he was taking on at NASA. He loved us. He loved me. He was gentle and mostly a pushover, which is why I've always been so hesitant to ask him for help. I never wanted him to feel used or manipulated. But he has saved my toosh so many times.

I don't want to say more right now about my dad-because so much of my love for him is private and therefore sacred to me. But I wish that each of you could have known him the way that I did-he so amused me.

I love my dad.
God grant him rest and peace.
I will see him again when my turn comes--a joyful day of celebration for us both.
I wish he were with me now.


  1. You are doing such a great job memorializing him, Allie. He is so proud of you right now, and he is right to be - you are amazing. I can only imagine what a great man he was in this life, and I'm sad I couldn't have met him. I look forward to meeting him someday too. :) Love you.

  2. I am sad with you, my friend.

  3. this was a beautiful tribute. praying for you...

  4. You and your family are in my prayers, Allie. What a blessing he gave you--such love. And what a blessing you are to the world (through your actions, your words, your blog)--such love. The legacy lives on...

  5. Oh, Allie.

    I am so very, very sorry.

    I am praying for you. And praying and praying.

  6. Allie,
    My heart breaks for you and goes out to you...as someone who lost their Mom at 29, I know the pain you are going through, but what a beautiful and moving tribute you game him thru your words...I am praying for you.

  7. You and your family have been on my mind and in my prayers often the last few days. I don't think I'll ever forget that picture. You father must have been a truly amazing man. God bless you Allie.

  8. Beautiful words Allie - I love you. So many others do, too. I can't wait for all things to be made right again. In the meantime, we all wait at that beautiful roadside inn - a b & b, if you will.

  9. As someone who deeply loves and treasures my own father, my heart is breaking for your loss. What a touching tribute to a wonderful man! I am at a loss for words other than to tell you that I am praying for you and your family to be comforted during this difficult time. In the Greek Orthodox tradition, we always wait forty days for a memorial in the church, in which we pray/sing, "eonia i mnimi," which means "may his memory be eternal." May the memory of your father be eternal, and may the loving relationship you shared grant you peace. God bless you.

  10. I'm so sorry. Blessings to you and your family.

  11. i could never imagine the pain that you are in, yet we are connected through our pain somehow.

    praying for you.

  12. Allie, Dearest

    As a Father of two young girls, I ache to be remembered the way your Dad is. I don't know what else to say, other than grace
    and peace.

    - Jerry DePoy Jr.


Add to my thoughts here...