Saturday, October 17, 2009

When I Get Where I'm Going

Ever flown over the Atlantic in the middle of the night with a handful of babies on board, when all of the sudden one baby begins to wail like a frightened bird and shortly afterwards, every child under the age of common sense is crying and wailing, too? What an experience. The mother of the first baby has about a five second window to get the crying under control before the cacophony begins, because emotions are contagious.

But emotions aren't just contagious from one person to another. Even inside our funny human little bodies, there's something bubonic catchy about emotion. Like little tiled masterpieces within us, our emotional landscapes are so interconnected that one feeling sets off another which sets off another, like dominoes.

The big culprit for me these days--the sand in my shoe--the cockroach in my Pancake Pantry omelet: is joy. Joy & the place it always takes me: its chain reaction cousin: sorrow.

It's like taking an optimistic walk through Hyde Park and getting blown up by a land mine. Unexpected. The tiniest moments of relief set off hours of sorrow. Little joys trigger spotted pangs of grief that move through my intestines.

I thought I wouldn't write about my Dad; but lately he is always on my mind. It feels like I've been holding my breath every moment since he left. I am so sad, so often. It feels like it will never get better.

For some reason, sorrow is the end of the line. There don't appear to be any dominoes beyond this last piece.

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