Thursday, January 7, 2010

Done Experimenting

I'm working at my old office again until I go back to school. The great part of being back in my old office is the intensely spiritual moments you end up having by accident. Like today, a local pastor was in the office and he came into the office where I was working when he saw me. We got into the topic of marriage and relationships because he's a pastor and the three things that evangelical pastors talk about are: marriage, parenting and money. I guess that's because those three things are the things we care most about.

However our conversation steered into it, he was saying how lucky I must be to be at the beginning of such an exciting adventure and to have so much going for me. He started talking about how lucky I was to be such a woman because any man would see me as the penultimate greatest woman alive. Funny guy. I corrected him, of course, and said that most of the people I run with, particularly the men, would not see any of that. He just laughed. I promised him that Nashville had much hotter and much charming-er women to offer--that I have personally seen what Nashville has to offer and it bewilders even me.

He stopped me and said that he was surprised to hear me compare myself to any other woman because I have what no other women have: An unusually bright mind, a sincere love for the Lord, the ability to hold discussions on any number of topics and real beauty. I was astonished by the compliments because this is not one of my great admirers, honestly. He and I have had a number of rough arguments over the last five years. But then again, that's why I trust him. He never tells me what I want to hear.

He was funny because he was saying funny things like: "If she's the right woman for a man, she doesn't have to do a thing--not even brush her hair. The man just knows."

We talked about what happens when a woman rejects a man and he changes to win her over. Sometimes it works for a little while but eventually the woman sees who he is underneath all the fraud and rejects him again. The pastor said that the worst thing a man can do is reject himself, because then everybody else will reject him eventually, too.

I think he was surprised to end up saying everything that he said. But it's funny how conversations happen like that and how important they end up being. Today I remembered again that I have a calling that I've always felt was distinct and important. That there's something that matters deep within me--and it regards not only the job I intend to work at, but also the type of relationship I would want to be a part of. So many years ago that it's hard to remember, my friend Cortni and I took a communications class in Bible college and I felt certain that one day I would teach classes like that in a church setting with my husband. Strange as it seems now, it was one of the most destiny-like sensations I've ever known.

In a lot of ways, because of some things that happened in 2006, I wanted to forget any ideas of calling or destiny. I wanted to be able to just be human and to enjoy being young and female and stupid. Of course, when I say it like that it doesn't have the same attraction as it did then. Then it seemed so authentic to want to be animal rather than angel.

Today I was reminded that living like an animal isn't that authentic after all. There's a higher calling for each of us, something that requires development and patience. And faith to believe in yourself when the animals around you don't. ;)

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